Why Your Accountability Partner Won't Help You Live in Sexual Purity
By Pastor Jon Mark Olesky
Why do accountability partners almost never “work” to help you get out - and stay out - of sexual sin and temptation?
After 18 years in ministry I can say that this is true: accountability partners almost never help those struggling with sexual sin. More disturbing, despite not working, accountability partners are the standard protocol in many churches and counseling ministries for those with sexual addictions.
The reason accountability partners are so ineffective is because usually they bring nothing to the table other than the initial relief one gets by bringing secret sin into the light.
Once that feeling of relief wears off and the awkward confessions begin, accountability updates devolve into nothing more than shame-sessions. Shame isn’t a Christian strategy for cultivating lasting purity.
I want to highlight 3 things I’ve seen bring lasting change for sexual addictions, none of which should be surprising since they are all repeatedly emphasized in Scripture.
1. Intentional Fathers
Since “accountability partners” aren’t biblically commanded, and fathers teaching their sons about sexual purity is commanded and exemplified (Deut 6:6; Prov 5-7), I’d deduce that if fathers intentionally taught about sexual purity (for a solid 10-12 years) there would be little-to-no-need for accountability partners.
The accountability partner system exists largely because fathers have failed. Their fathers probably failed them also, so the cycle repeats.
I’ve never actually met a man whose father labored to form his child’s mind with Scripture truth in this arena who grew up to be enslaved with sexual addictions.
I’m sure that man exists. There will always be foolish sons who reject their father’s teaching. But they are rare enough that I’ve never met one.
However, I know hundreds of men struggling for purity who grew up without their father’s help, and now, as adults, these men still feel lost and under-equipped in the fight for purity.
Fathers must do better. I want to plead with fathers to teach the Proverbs to your children, especially those first 8 chapters. Give your children what you didn’t get.
2. Seeking Wisdom
Finding a buddy to shamefully admit “I failed again” gets two points for confession, but what happens next? In many cases, it’s the blind leading the blind.
Too often purity-seekers will say, “let’s help each other,” which results in weekly lick-each-other’s-self-inflicted-wounds time. This only serves to drive them to hopelessness conclusions their struggles are “giants and we were in our own sight as grasshoppers” (Num 13:33).
To avoid this, seek wisdom.
There is a better way. Proverbs promises that “if you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God, for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul… So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words” (Prov 2:6-11).
Get desperate for wisdom. Find it through the corporate and private means of grace, godly mentors, pastors, biblical counselors, books, teachings.
Wherever you can find it, get it: for to the degree in which you find wisdom, you will find purity.
3. A Godly Wife
Fewer men would feel they need an accountability partner if they had a godly wife to enjoy with marital intimacy (Prov 5:15-20).
How many young men delay or neglect the Proverbs’ exhortation to “find a wife” by passing over godly marriage prospects (Prov 18:22)?
On top of this, many married couples fail to obey 1 Cor 7:1-5, each blaming the other for their neglect. This is a tragic thing to watch. I’ve seen few men who needed an accountability partner who managed to keep the marriage bed sacred and happy.
Sir, be done with “water in the street” and “let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Prov 5:16,18).
If these 3 paths for purity are neglected, there is a 4th strategy, what I call, “Accountability with Teeth,” but I’ll leave that for Part 2 of this article.